Back To The Past, Part 2

I left off talking about the vibrant 15 year old I was. I was really out-going and spent a lot of time with friends. I wasn't bad and never got into serious trouble. I had spent summer of 1989 in Florida visiting with relatives. While I was gone, mama and my step-father had kinda gone their separate ways, so mama was able to get us a 4 bedroom apartment in Lexington. When I came back from Florida she had fixed me up a very nice room. I socialized a little with some of the people there in the complex. Met a couple of girls about my age. Started hanging out with a girl in her middle 2o's because she had 2 children and I helped her out with the kids. Long story short, that is where I met him, October of 1989, about 6 mths. shy of my 16th birthday. He was a very good-looking 19yr. old. Tall, dark skin (he tanned very well), bright blue eyes and dark hair and he took an interest in me. I fell for him because I couldn't believe someone so cute would like me. The only thing that really bothered me was that he seemed to drink a lot plus he did drugs. At first I only thought it was marijuana that he smoked. I walked in on him and his cousins huffing gas before. Later I found out that he smoked crack and did acid-heck I even walked in on him again one time snorting cocaine. I felt sick to my stomach when I saw that. But being young and so naive I reckon I continued on with the relationship because I loved him. I don't know what kept me there when I think about it now as an adult. And just to let you know, I too, have tried marijuana before, did nothing for me but make me paranoid. That is the only drug that I have ever messed with.

I found out in November of 89 that I was pregnant. Throughout the little time we were together before we married in December of 1989 because I was pregnant, there were signs of abuse. Not only was he using drugs, but he was becoming verbally and physically abusive and started to scare me some. He had told me that he had people watching me at school. I became scared of talking to anyone especially boys at school. I was getting paranoid, but I loved him because he loved me. One night his sister was having a party and he was drinking and such and he thought I was flirting with his cousin who was my age. When the party started to die down, we were in a room by ourselves and he running his mouth about things I supposedly said or did. I was trying to justify anything that might have said that would have upset him-well it ended with him trying to choke me. He was shaking me back and forth. My long hair was going in my mouth and I was choking on that as well. I was scared and crying so hard. When he realized what he was doing he stopped and started hugging me and crying, apologizing himself for what he had done-he said he loved me very much and he'd never do it again. My wrists were a little bruised in the morning after that incident due to him being on top of me holding me down.

Back To The Past

I'm going to make this as short as I can but long enough so you know where I'm coming from.

To start off with, I was raised basically by my mama and grandmother. My parents divorced when I was 4 or 5 years old. We lived in Ohio at the time. When they divorced we moved to SC to live with my grandmother. My Dad was never around enough nor did he contribute much, if any, to help in our upbringing. He was one who made promises, but never kept them. My mama was good enough though to let him come in and out of our lives as he wanted too. Considering all the circumstances, I think my mama did a decent job raising her 3 children. I have a brother 1 year older than me and a brother 3 years younger. I love them all very much.

Living with my grandmother was ok. She did help take care of us. She loved the little one more, in my opinion, because he was only 2 when we moved here so she was with him more. She thought we were demons most of the time. Unruly children. Aren't we all at times when we're little?

Mama remarried when I was 10, and we moved to Batesburg-Leesville. That is where I also met my best friend. I think at the time I liked myself for the most part. I was and always have been very pretty, just overweight. So because of this, I have always been insecure. I felt no boys would ever like me because I was overweight. And when your growing up-unfortuantely you really do want to be liked by boys or girls and you want to fit in and be popular. I wasn't popular, but that really didn't bother me. I was who I was and my attitude in my early teens was "you can like me or not-I don't care." I think that I was pretty confident in myself despite my feelings about my weight. I was the "Leader of the Pack" at school. It was me and a group of girls and we would walk and talk around the schoolyard. They pretty much followed me. My self-esteem was pretty decent. Remember though, that because I was a little overweight, I was already self-consicious about myself. I really never thought that I would have a boyfriend because I was overweight. Confident, sensitive,caring,relaxed, free spirit, warm, kind, giving, loving and Ms. Attitude when I needed to be was who I was up until 15 years old.

Hello Blogworld

This is Tracy. I am a wife and mother. I have been through a lot in my life and I hope this blog and some of my thoughts and experiences will help someone else as they read it.