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Friday, August 25, 2006
I Was Country When Country Wasn't Kewl
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Baby Blues
Yesterday August 1st 2006, at 6pm Madelyn Claire (Maddy) was born, unfortunately by C-Section, to my sister-in-law weighing in at 6lbs. 14ozs. I would love to say that biologically she is my blood but she is not. She is not my brother's child. My older brother has been separated from his wife since October of last year. Apparently about 2 wks. after they separated she became pregnant. I'm real sad for my brother and it breaks my heart.
Since the day I met Todd, I have always imagined having a child with him. We had even talked about it and picked names. First there were names like Shawn Michael or Austin Hunter for a boy (anyone have any idea where those names came from) can't really remember the girl name. But after talking about it on more of a serious note we decided on Adam Richard and Emily Grace. Beautiful names. But I know that we won't ever have a child together. I can't and he can't. I probably could conceive by other methods, but I think it's been too long for Todd. Besides it would cost A LOT. My heart would feel more complete if he and I had a child. I see the way he is with his children. He's a good Daddy and always has been, very loving. He's good with my kids too. He's done things as a Daddy that I never had the chance of experiencing with my ex-husband like the early morning feedings, taking the children to the doctor if they needed to go, changing diapers, feeding, all sorts of things-you know-sharing the duties. I did it all by myself. And now that I have the love of my life, I can't have the bond with him that literally binds us forever. Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong but it hurts so much and God forgive me, I'm jealous that I'll never have that. I pray and pray about it-for the hurt and sadness to go away. Sometimes it does-for awhile, then it comes back. It makes it worse when someone I know has a baby. In this case my soon to be ex-sister-in-law plus Todd's younger sister is expecting in October I think. So I literally have the baby blues. It's awful to want something so bad but can't have it, but I guess I'll have to learn to live with it and just continue to pray. I don't know what else to do.
Since the day I met Todd, I have always imagined having a child with him. We had even talked about it and picked names. First there were names like Shawn Michael or Austin Hunter for a boy (anyone have any idea where those names came from) can't really remember the girl name. But after talking about it on more of a serious note we decided on Adam Richard and Emily Grace. Beautiful names. But I know that we won't ever have a child together. I can't and he can't. I probably could conceive by other methods, but I think it's been too long for Todd. Besides it would cost A LOT. My heart would feel more complete if he and I had a child. I see the way he is with his children. He's a good Daddy and always has been, very loving. He's good with my kids too. He's done things as a Daddy that I never had the chance of experiencing with my ex-husband like the early morning feedings, taking the children to the doctor if they needed to go, changing diapers, feeding, all sorts of things-you know-sharing the duties. I did it all by myself. And now that I have the love of my life, I can't have the bond with him that literally binds us forever. Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong but it hurts so much and God forgive me, I'm jealous that I'll never have that. I pray and pray about it-for the hurt and sadness to go away. Sometimes it does-for awhile, then it comes back. It makes it worse when someone I know has a baby. In this case my soon to be ex-sister-in-law plus Todd's younger sister is expecting in October I think. So I literally have the baby blues. It's awful to want something so bad but can't have it, but I guess I'll have to learn to live with it and just continue to pray. I don't know what else to do.
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