My World

HERE WE GO.........

2007-10-09T19:02:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago I asked a friend of mine to answer some questions for me about himself and such-there was and still is a reasoning behind it. So he answers my questions. I found some to be interesting and also found out that we have a few things in common.

So here my friend goes my answers:

What is your favorite color? Blue

Baseball or Football? Football

What team? Clemson Tigers

Favorite candy including chocolates? M&M's (plain) They melt in your mouth, not in your hands....

Favorite restaurant? Carolina Wings

Favorite food? Spaghetti and garlic bread

Favorite car? Candy Apple Red Ford Mustang (the older models of course)

Most favorite place you've been? Bahama's

What do you do for enjoyment when you're not working? I try to relax and do nothing-that's enjoyment!

Any hobbies? I like to stay involved with the church. It's very important to me. My children are also my hobbies.

Do you have a favorite author and book? Joyce Meyer-Approval Addiction

Favorite movie(s): Analyze This/That

Favorite music: soft rock, pop, blues, jazz, christian, 80's stuff and 50's & 60'S (old school)

Favorite band: U2

T-shirt and jeans or a suit? I prefer t-shirt and jeans and being barefoot in the yard. But if it calls for it, I can dress up nicely.

Traits that you notice in the opposite sex? Eyes-they are after all the window to the soul.

Long hair or short hair. Depends on who's wearing it...

What's important to you in a relationship? Trust

Who's your best friend-the person that you'd trust with your life? My husband

What do you dream of? Fulfilling my purpose in life and being happy and content with who I am-the person that God wants me to be.

If you could do anything in the world, what would it be? Travel the world. I'm one for excitement and new things and places. It doesn't take much to amuse me. Europe would be a good place to start. I'd like to look up my ancestry there.

So my friend, enjoy my answers. Now I challenge my husband to answer these question.

TTFN

Nothing In Particular

2007-02-05T17:14:00.000-08:00

It's been a little over two months since I last blogged. A lot has happened in those two months. In December we moved back to the Columbia area-Leesville actually. We now live right around the corner from my grandmother which has proved to be a blessing. And visits with the children and such has resumed back to normal. I went back to work at NHC HealthCare. Todd eventually went back to work for Papa John's and is currently an assistant manager. I know that is something that he did not want to do and it wasn't for his lack of trying to get another job. It just seemed that nobody was interested in hiring him even with his qualifications. He went to many job interviews that went really well, just nothing ever came out of any of them. He was disappointed every time. While Papa John's is not a glamorous job, it is a steady paycheck and stability. Plus he could become a general manager soon which could be beneficial for us.

We had a quiet Christmas. All the children were with their other parents this year. First time that I've ever been away from my children at Christmas time, but it was okay. They were all with the other parent for a week. Even though Todd and I were working, it was nice coming home at times to peace and quiet-no children under feet, no homework or baths-just not use to it. I was always expecting to hear a child say "Mama-Matt won't leave me alone" or something to that effect. But it was nice to have "just me" time. A few days after Christmas we got together with some of our friends at Lori's mother's house. It was so nice to see all of them again. I met for the first time Ralph and his wife. They seem like good people-easy to talk to. Tim and Angela, Mike and his wife and of course James and Caryn Kirk. It's always a pleasure to see these folks. If I left anyone out-I apologize. I believe that is the only time that Todd and I ever have any real adult time with other adults-that's pretty bad. We should try to get together more than once a year.

So since then I've already been sick once and am currently feeling bad and it's just been about work, kids, taking care of Grandmama, trying to stay well, etc...same stuff day after day.

One last thing: My heart and prayers go out to our friend Jay whose Grandmother had a stroke. Thankfully it didn't do any damage. She has now relocated to a nursing home and I pray she's doing well. I pray for healing and good health for her.

Love to all!!!!!!

He's Gone :-(

2006-11-02T18:59:00.000-08:00

If you ever read my husbands blog some of you may know that he left to go to Wisconsin this morning. His grandmother had a massive stroke and is not expected to recover from it. He will be performing the funeral service for her when she passes. I would have liked to have been with him, but my son is having surgery next week plus I probably wouldn't have been able to find someone to stay with the other kids that long. Besides airline tickets cost a good bit. He made it to Wisconsin where Ben (his cousin) met him at the airport. They were going to drive onto Madison. Todd called when he got off the plane and said, "Now I remember why I don't live here anymore-it's COLD!" My honey will be gone for at least a week-Boo.....maybe longer. At least he was able to visit StarBucks Coffee at the Savannah airport.

I'm actually going to be by myself this weekend-yay-kids are going to their dad's house. So I can crank up the music if I want too without annoying them or my husband.

Even though this is a sad time for Todd, I really hope that he is able to enjoy being up there and spending time with his family. The Vicks are great people and I look forward to seeing them again. My prayers and love are with all of you. Todd, I'll see you when you get home. Relax and enjoy yourself too. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I love you.

Salute "The Vicks from Wisconsin"

2006-09-05T15:39:00.000-07:00

My husband and I spent this past Labor Day weekend at Carolina Beach, NC with some of his family from Wisconsin. His cousin Ben got married and had asked Todd to perform the ceremony.

I met the Vicks on Friday and was very sad to leave them on Monday. Bob and Karen Vick are Todd's uncle and aunt. Bob is Todd's dad's younger brother. Bob and Karen have 3 children: Ben, Kim, and Mike. Ben is the one who got married on Sunday to Joneen. They have 2 daughters: Megan and Kaylynn-welcome to the family. Kim is married to Denis. They have 2 children: Joseph and Chloe. Mike's the youngest and is married to Kim. Brandon is their only child.

Ben is going to do real well with his new family. He's a sweet and great guy.

Kim is a trip. We had fun and got along well. Can you say "party"?

Mike is a cutie. He's sweet and fun too. Thanks for the dance Mikey. Looking forward to "hanging out" with you guys again one day. We'll get Todd to sing karoke again and just maybe Mike will finally talk me into singing too, since he "knows" that I can sing decently.

I was welcomed to their family with open arms. They are my kind of people. Laid back, affectionate, friendly, family oriented, etc...they know how to have fun. They're good people.

I want to thank them for making me feel very welcomed to their family. Thank you for the meals, drinks and fun. Our love to all of you. We miss you all already and we had a wonderful time. It meant a lot to Todd to be able to perform the ceremony and to be with all of you again. Thank you for that opportunity. Look forward to the next time.

I Was Country When Country Wasn't Kewl

2006-08-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

Your Taste in Music:

Country: Highest Influence 80's R&B: High Influence 80's Rock: High Influence Hair Bands: High Influence Old School Hip Hop: High Influence

How's" Your Taste in Music?

Baby Blues

2006-08-02T16:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday August 1st 2006, at 6pm Madelyn Claire (Maddy) was born, unfortunately by C-Section, to my sister-in-law weighing in at 6lbs. 14ozs. I would love to say that biologically she is my blood but she is not. She is not my brother's child. My older brother has been separated from his wife since October of last year. Apparently about 2 wks. after they separated she became pregnant. I'm real sad for my brother and it breaks my heart.

Since the day I met Todd, I have always imagined having a child with him. We had even talked about it and picked names. First there were names like Shawn Michael or Austin Hunter for a boy (anyone have any idea where those names came from) can't really remember the girl name. But after talking about it on more of a serious note we decided on Adam Richard and Emily Grace. Beautiful names. But I know that we won't ever have a child together. I can't and he can't. I probably could conceive by other methods, but I think it's been too long for Todd. Besides it would cost A LOT. My heart would feel more complete if he and I had a child. I see the way he is with his children. He's a good Daddy and always has been, very loving. He's good with my kids too. He's done things as a Daddy that I never had the chance of experiencing with my ex-husband like the early morning feedings, taking the children to the doctor if they needed to go, changing diapers, feeding, all sorts of things-you know-sharing the duties. I did it all by myself. And now that I have the love of my life, I can't have the bond with him that literally binds us forever. Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong but it hurts so much and God forgive me, I'm jealous that I'll never have that. I pray and pray about it-for the hurt and sadness to go away. Sometimes it does-for awhile, then it comes back. It makes it worse when someone I know has a baby. In this case my soon to be ex-sister-in-law plus Todd's younger sister is expecting in October I think. So I literally have the baby blues. It's awful to want something so bad but can't have it, but I guess I'll have to learn to live with it and just continue to pray. I don't know what else to do.

Flashback 80's Style

2006-07-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, my husband, children and I have just recently moved to Walterboro, SC. During the packing and unpacking process, its amazing the things you can find again. Things that were lost are now found, clothes that once fit do not fit anymore and the photos-Oh the photos. The 80's is the decade that I grew up in. The photos from teen years are so fun. I was so alive and vibrant-so full of fun. Might I add, I was also very daring, way too cute, and flirtacious. I actually still have some of those qualities-so it's not a bad thing.

Todd is also an 80's child. I come across some old photos of Todd and his best friend Jay every once in awhile. Packing up was no different. They were hotties back then-needless to say some things never change-right guys? You still have it going on. The look they had then was way cool. To describe them would be "gorgeous".

The 80's were awesome. The look, the music, the hair, the clothes, everything about "back then" was great. I would have done anything to have known Todd and Jay during that time. I'm sure I would have clicked with them in more ways than one.

The 80's were great no matter how you look at it. We've all grown up and have moved on. Some things never change though. I still style the 80's look every once in awhile and I still love the music. The photo of me was taken in 1988. I was 15. More photos to come.

Salute to the 80's.

People Need People

2006-05-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

Being a mother is truely tough. Being a wife can be rather difficult too. Someone is always needing something, whether it's advice or help in finding shoes or a pair of glasses. Seems like I always know where everything is. It can be overwhelming for me at times when everyone seems to need something all at once. And I can assure you it has happened before. As chaotic as things can get at times, I know that my family wouldn't know what to do without me.

Being able to contribute to the well-being of others is a necessity to being human. And being needed also gives us a sense of belonging that is important to satisifyling our life. We all need to feel love and accepted by others. If we provide those feelings to others, then we are fulfilling the sense of belonging. When your there for somebody, whether it be emotional, spiritually or just lending an ear, you are proving to them that you love them-that you care.

Being needed is also another necessity to all. We as women tend to cope with lifes daily stressors by taking care of others-because when we know that someone needs us, it gives us the ability to relieve some stress by helping and tending to the needs of others-therefore-we are needed. Of course, being needed by too many people at once can create more stress instead helping it...that must be one of my problems-too many people at one time needs things. Sometimes we need to learn to say no or do it yourself. My probelm is that I don't know how to say no. I have a very soft heart, yet I am working on learning how to say no, because I end up running myself ragged by adding other responsibilities to my daily agendas and the extra responsibility doesn't always benefit me. Advice would be to finish what your doing before agreeing to anything else so you won't feel so overwhelmed.

I read an article about all this and it all makes so much sense. ALOT of it is me. I take care of so many people on a daily basis, not just my children, husband and pets, but also the folks at the nursing home. To think of everybody who relies on me everyday is overwhelming....I need a vacation. But I wouldn't have it any other way either.

A Big Thanks To My Husband's Friends

2006-05-15T16:31:00.000-07:00

This past Friday evening my husband and four of his friends got together at our house. He went to high school with these guys and has stayed in contact with them all these years. One of the guys, Jay, he has known basically all his life. Jay was down here visiting from Seattle. They watched movies and caught up with each other on things. These guys have no idea how much my honey needed that time with his "Buds. ' Todd really had a wonderful evening with you guys.

Jay, I want to thank you personally for being there for Todd through a lot of things in his life. He thinks a lot of you and loves you as apart of his family. He is very lucky that he has had you in his life. A true friend is so hard to find these days.

I think it would be great if you guys tried to have a get together at least once a year. I think that it would do all of y'all good to do that.

Anyway, George and Chuck-it was so nice to finally meet you. It was nice to finally have a face to go with names that I've heard so much about. I look forward to seeing you again. Rick, it was good to see you. I know I'll be seeing you around. And Jay, I really hate that you live so far away. I'm glad that you don't let distance get in the way of the friendship. It was really good seeing you again and looking forward to the next visit. Don't be a stranger. To all of y'all-Thank you for coming and reminiscing with my husband. We'll have to get together and do it again. I enjoyed meeting and seeing all of you.

Next time we need to make sure we have a camera!

Mom vs. Stepmom

2006-04-06T15:33:00.000-07:00

I have been having a real difficult time since my 15 yr. old son Steven went to live with his father and stepmother in January. I chose to let him go because I was afraid if I didn't he would grow up to resent me. Granted the house is calmer and quieter now, but I still miss him very much. When we are together its more pleasant. I can enjoy him more.

Lately, I've been taking him to and from his doctor visits and such and I wonder why. Since they wanted him-why shouldn't they do these things for him. BUT at the same time its the mother in me that wants to make sure he gets to where he's got to go and know that he's ok.
Here lately, I've adjusted more to him being gone. I just want the best for him. I want him to remember the things that I have tried to instill in him-and as bad at it seems, I want him to remember our past and learn from it and try to not make those kind of mistakes. I just want him to grow up to be a good man-decent, respectful, hard working ect....but then again what mom wouldn't want that for her child. I've realized, now that my ex-husband has remarried, his life is more settled now and that I need to let them help me more with the kids if they want too. I drive myself nuts trying to do everything all the time myself.

My biggest problem with the new step-mother has been that Ive been feeling like she was over stepping her bounds with my child. Steven has to have brain surgery on the 6th of June. I found out in late April that he has what is called a Chiari 1 malformation-which means that the bottom half of the brain is hanging through the base of the skull which also has caused fluid build up in his spinal cord. It all has to be fixed. Well, his step-mother was with me for that office visit and I just felt out of place. She said she'd like to be there over night with him also while he's in ICU. That's my territory. He's my child-and I'd prefer to be with him myself. But I recently learned that I won't be allowed overnight in the room with him either. I'm going to make this work. Steven's going to be in the hospital a week. My family from Ohio is going to be here that week also, so I'm more willing to let Steven's Dad and step-mom help. I keep trying to remember that these are his kids too and he should help. I hope that I'm handling this ok. I just can't stand the stress of all this.

Tagged---7 Things

2006-02-24T16:44:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by my husband. Here goes:

Seven Things To Do Before I Die

1. Become more physically fit
2. Visit places in Europe
3. Become financially stable so much so that I can help others in need
4. To be able to really forgive the past
5. Stress less over the small stuff
6. Go to a real live concert of someone I really like
7. Learn to relax and put more trust into the Lord knowing that he's got it.

Seven Things I cannot Do

1. Drive a stick shift
2. Reach objects high up cause I'm vertically challenged
3. Math-ugh!!!!
4. Can't tan worth a darn either
5. Say no to people-I'm a pushover
6. Can't read music-though I can sing decently
7. Verbalize what I really mean sometimes. It's better in writing.

Seven Things That Attract Me To My Mate

1. His compassion
2. His warmth
3. The fact that he likes wrestling as much as me
4. He dresses really nice
5. His kindness
6. He's funny
7. He helps with housework-which helps me alot

Seven Things I say

1. Hey Paco
2. What up
3. Ha Ha
4. Whatever
5. Oh Mylanta
6. No (to children all day)
7. Get over it

What A Day

2006-02-23T18:16:00.000-08:00

Have you ever in your life experienced a day when nothing at all seems to go your way. I had the day off? It was almost midnight before I got in the bed last night, and I was up at 6am with the boys. I let Todd sleep in. I do things like that for him because that's the way I am. I took all the kids to their destinations. Or so I thought. I forgot one of them. So when I got back home at 7:30 she had already missed the bus. I got her up, off to school and then went to my appointment. Things were going ok, my mood was good. Then when I got home-I was messing around in the garage and fell. Bruised my leg and shoulder- was a nervous wreck for a few hours-couldn't stop trembling. Had another appointment to go to. Another trip into town. Then had an unexpected appointment to go too. 3 appointments in one day-its tiring running all day long. Not to mention, I was already exhausted. I hate using up all my free time on my days off to run errands all day. One of the kids ended coming home early just because she has a cold-she's milking it-when you have children you can usually tell-and things like that drive me nuts too....It's just been one long frustrating day. Luckily I have tomorrow off too BUT I have to take the 2 little boys to ADHD check-ups-joy, joy!!!!!! UGH!!!! Probably another 10,000 things to do. I'll pray-it helps. Gotta delegate sometimes.

I'm Tiiiiiiiiired!

2006-02-21T17:36:00.000-08:00

Just came off of three shifts back to back! 7am to 11pm then 7am to 3pm today. I'm tired. 2nd shift really isn't that bad-I actually enjoy it. I have more time to relax. Last night I was actually able to watch some wrestling going from room to room-it was cool. Earlier in the evening one of my residents was sent out due to not being able to maintain his oxygen. I feel really good about being as attentive to him as I was because apparently he was sleepy all day and wasn't very active or anything. When I made my rounds to get vitals later in the afternoon, something just didn't feel right to me-his breathing didn't seem quite normal plus he wasn't easily aroused-I went to get the Sat machine to check his oxygen and it was way below normal. I reported to the nurse. Long story short, he was sent out and apparently as soon as the EMT's got him into the ambulance he crashed and they had to perform CPR before they took him to the ER. As of now, he is stable. Still not quite sure what happened though.

Since I've been on my job, I've lost about 8 people. I've had people tell me it will get easier but it doesn't-not for me. I'm too sensitive and my heart's much too big not to let death bother me. It breaks my heart to lose someone-I hurt for the families that I've come to know and I hurt for my loss also because I've come to love the folks I care for. It will never get easier for me. The loss of a loved one hurts no matter who you are.

Looking Up

2006-02-17T17:50:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in a position to where you had no other choice but to look up? Not necessarilry lying flat on your back from a fall or something, but having so much going on in your life that your so overwhelmed and confused. These past several days, I have said things to people that I thought I would never say. Not being ugly, just bluntly honest and matter of factly speaking. Today especially was tough. A day when you think everyone else is an idiot and that the only way to do things right is to do them yourself.

I found myself looking up many, many times asking why. It's not the first time I've done it-this past month I've done it probably a thousand times asking why is everything so wrong? Why is everything falling on me? If its not one thing, its something else. Fix one problem-another one arises. It never ends!!!!!

As a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, doctor, caretaker, ect....(the list goes on), my life is full-yet I feel empty at times. I stay so stressed out over worrying about others and taking care of everyone else that my joy for life is zapped from me. My family comes first before anything. My husband before my children. I take care of everyone and I love doing it. If I didn't, I wouldn't have the job I do now taking care of the elderly. I love those people and they need me too. I'm not complaining by no means...this is who I am. My stress, my worries come from the not knowing. I can see a nice future-but things are so dim right now. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel though. I know that God is in this, because he has just brought us though a critical issue. God has reasons for what he does. We dont' understand and we probably don't even like the outcome of some things, but if there is one thing that I do believe it is that God will never forsake us. God doesn't intend for us to suffer and hurt. We all make stupid decisions from time to time and its unfortunate that we have to pay the price for those mistakes sometimes-but it happens. God is here-but when there is a lesson to be taught through a mistake-it comes though loud and clear. My faith grows stronger everyday. I know I need HIM more than anything else that I have. I am starting to understand faith more and more everyday. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. How great is that. You got to believe.

I still have my days, everyone does. But when I have a day like today, I take a minute to look up and say a few words. I'm very thankful that I can do that. It helps me get through some tough spots.

Remembering December 2003

2006-01-21T20:20:00.000-08:00

That was the month and year that God sent me an angel-though I didn't know it at the time.

Considering I was divorced and had been through hell already, I had gotten myself involved with someone and at that time had been with him 3 years. The relationship had taken its toll on me. It had started showing signs of physical abuse because he had pushed me on 3 different occansions when we got into arguements. Brian was also very immature. It was like having another child around. He needed a mother-not a girlfriend or wife. By Dec of 03 I was so stressed over this relationship. I met some people through my son because he was friends with their child. I started attending some church activities with them and such and thats where I met him-my angel-my future-even though I didn't know it at the time. He was about to go through a divorce, and from my understanding he wasn't to crazy about the idea of the dating sence. According to one of my friends, he took an interest in me. Brian, my boyfriend at the time, was an extremely jealous person and was giving me a hard time about spending time with my friends even if it was doing church related things and having his kids with me-he didn't seem to like it. My friends bascially helped me realize that I didn't need that in my life again. Ya know, it's not like I didn't know it-I just dont' like hurting people.

Jan. 6 of 04-I finally asked him to leave. He pitched a fit-it really didn't surprise me. It scared me though because he had a really bad temper too. He couldn't understand why. Guys usually dont'. I told him that the first time he put his hands on me that was when my feelings for him started changing-he still didn't get it. I guess for some people it needs to be spelled out or something. So he left. He bothered me awhile with phone calls until "My Angel" finally had a word of prayer with him. My angel is now my current husband. His name is Todd.

I can get lost in the memories of thinking about when I met Todd and how it all came about. I really wasn't looking for another relationship after I had Brian leave. It just wasn't worth it anymore. Todd just kinda swept me off my feet-thats the only way to really explain it. It all happened so fast. I have never been treated so kindly, so good in all my life by a man. He says the sweetest things. He's done the sweetest things for me. I'm not use to it. I don't feel that I deserve to be treated so good. But that is just who he is. I know that he loves me very much. Todd, don't ever change. Your the best of the best. I love you-My Angel.

Fast Forward

2006-01-11T13:55:00.000-08:00

My life seems to stay so busy that I don't have much time it seems to write as much as I'd like too.

Back to where I left off, I'm going to shorten things up some because going so far back and remembering takes too much of a toll on me at times. But I am always willing to share my experiences. I think that it actually helps to talk about it sometimes.

I ended up getting married in December of 89 because I was pregnant at 16 years old. Yes, the signs of abuse were there beforehand, but I guess being that young and naive I thought he would change and that he really did love me. It had to have been something like that cause I'm really not that stupid. I ended up having a miscarriage after we were married. To this day I believe that it was because of a comment he made to me one night when he was being ugly to me. He said, "You don't deserve to be a mother. I hope your baby dies". Well, he did. The tongue is mighty powerful, isn't it? Shortly after the miscarriage I became pregnant again. I ended up having to drop out of high school my senior year because my mother-in-law went back on her word about watching the baby after he was born so I could finish school. I did go back to adult ed and get my GED. I had my first child at 17 years old-year in 1990, my 2nd child at 19 yrs in 1992. I had my 3rd child at 23 yrs in 1996, and finally my 4th child at 25 yrs. in 1998.

I basically raised my children by myself. I am the one who did every thing for them-from getting up every few hours to feed and change them, to taking them all to doctor appointments, and staying up all night because someone was sick. My husband never really did a lot as a father. I do give him a lot of credit when I say this: Regardless of how he treated me and what he did, he always got up the next morning and went to work. Over the course of the 11 yrs. we were married, I was abused physically, verbally and emotionally. He drank a lot-mostly beer-and smoked pot occasionally.

I was called every name in the book on a daily basis. During the last 4 or 5 years we were married I started to take up for myself more-didn't do a lot of good but at least I tried. I was always accused of being unfaithful. Well come to find out some things went down on Mother's Day of 98-I had a 6 week old baby then-found out that he was the one who had been unfaithful-he admitted it to me. I flipped out. How could he have done that to me? I actually had always suspected-but to actually know the truth now was unbearable. I went downhill fast at that point. I quit caring in away. I started working out, loosing weight to make myself feel better. I continued to do my wifely duties because I was suppose too-but I felt nothing anymore. I had completely become numb to feeling anything for him. It came to a point to where he was threatening my life just about everyday and when I left on Monday, Jan. 3rd of 2000, I had come to the point to where I made a decision: I didn't care anymore whether I lived or died. My kids and I left that day and never returned except to get our things when the judge said it was all right. I was scared and really didn't know what I was going to. I was afraid of the world-of people. My husband at the time was so convincing that he could tell me that hell was freezing over and he would eventually make me believe that it was. While we were married, he even had me believing that my own family wouldn't want to be bothered with me much less any man because I had 4 children. I was very insecure about who I was. I actually didn't know who I was anymore. I was numb-I really didn't feel anything for awhile, just kinda went with the motion of everything. I cried a lot because I didn't understand. I felt helpless-truly like a victim and I didn't like that. I hurt for my children who had to go through so much because I thought it was my fault. Why couldn't I have changed things? He changed me. I was divorced in April of 2000.

After being divorced 6 yrs. from him now, I realize that back then, it took me having to know in my heart that I had no feelings left for him and that whether or not I was with him, I could still end up dead. It bothers me to this day to think of the things I had to contend with because of him. I was a good wife and mother, even though I was so young. I did everything that a wife was supposed to have done for her husband and then some. I didn't deserve to be so mistreated. I don't think I'll ever understand why he did what he did to me. It emotionally scarred my oldest two children because they saw and heard a lot more than the other two. I went through hell but I also realize it could have been a lot worse. I've moved on now and finally so has he.

Back To The Past, Part 2

2005-12-19T15:09:00.000-08:00

I left off talking about the vibrant 15 year old I was. I was really out-going and spent a lot of time with friends. I wasn't bad and never got into serious trouble. I had spent summer of 1989 in Florida visiting with relatives. While I was gone, mama and my step-father had kinda gone their separate ways, so mama was able to get us a 4 bedroom apartment in Lexington. When I came back from Florida she had fixed me up a very nice room. I socialized a little with some of the people there in the complex. Met a couple of girls about my age. Started hanging out with a girl in her middle 2o's because she had 2 children and I helped her out with the kids. Long story short, that is where I met him, October of 1989, about 6 mths. shy of my 16th birthday. He was a very good-looking 19yr. old. Tall, dark skin (he tanned very well), bright blue eyes and dark hair and he took an interest in me. I fell for him because I couldn't believe someone so cute would like me. The only thing that really bothered me was that he seemed to drink a lot plus he did drugs. At first I only thought it was marijuana that he smoked. I walked in on him and his cousins huffing gas before. Later I found out that he smoked crack and did acid-heck I even walked in on him again one time snorting cocaine. I felt sick to my stomach when I saw that. But being young and so naive I reckon I continued on with the relationship because I loved him. I don't know what kept me there when I think about it now as an adult. And just to let you know, I too, have tried marijuana before, did nothing for me but make me paranoid. That is the only drug that I have ever messed with.

I found out in November of 89 that I was pregnant. Throughout the little time we were together before we married in December of 1989 because I was pregnant, there were signs of abuse. Not only was he using drugs, but he was becoming verbally and physically abusive and started to scare me some. He had told me that he had people watching me at school. I became scared of talking to anyone especially boys at school. I was getting paranoid, but I loved him because he loved me. One night his sister was having a party and he was drinking and such and he thought I was flirting with his cousin who was my age. When the party started to die down, we were in a room by ourselves and he running his mouth about things I supposedly said or did. I was trying to justify anything that might have said that would have upset him-well it ended with him trying to choke me. He was shaking me back and forth. My long hair was going in my mouth and I was choking on that as well. I was scared and crying so hard. When he realized what he was doing he stopped and started hugging me and crying, apologizing himself for what he had done-he said he loved me very much and he'd never do it again. My wrists were a little bruised in the morning after that incident due to him being on top of me holding me down.

Back To The Past

2005-12-15T13:52:00.000-08:00

I'm going to make this as short as I can but long enough so you know where I'm coming from.

To start off with, I was raised basically by my mama and grandmother. My parents divorced when I was 4 or 5 years old. We lived in Ohio at the time. When they divorced we moved to SC to live with my grandmother. My Dad was never around enough nor did he contribute much, if any, to help in our upbringing. He was one who made promises, but never kept them. My mama was good enough though to let him come in and out of our lives as he wanted too. Considering all the circumstances, I think my mama did a decent job raising her 3 children. I have a brother 1 year older than me and a brother 3 years younger. I love them all very much.

Living with my grandmother was ok. She did help take care of us. She loved the little one more, in my opinion, because he was only 2 when we moved here so she was with him more. She thought we were demons most of the time. Unruly children. Aren't we all at times when we're little?

Mama remarried when I was 10, and we moved to Batesburg-Leesville. That is where I also met my best friend. I think at the time I liked myself for the most part. I was and always have been very pretty, just overweight. So because of this, I have always been insecure. I felt no boys would ever like me because I was overweight. And when your growing up-unfortuantely you really do want to be liked by boys or girls and you want to fit in and be popular. I wasn't popular, but that really didn't bother me. I was who I was and my attitude in my early teens was "you can like me or not-I don't care." I think that I was pretty confident in myself despite my feelings about my weight. I was the "Leader of the Pack" at school. It was me and a group of girls and we would walk and talk around the schoolyard. They pretty much followed me. My self-esteem was pretty decent. Remember though, that because I was a little overweight, I was already self-consicious about myself. I really never thought that I would have a boyfriend because I was overweight. Confident, sensitive,caring,relaxed, free spirit, warm, kind, giving, loving and Ms. Attitude when I needed to be was who I was up until 15 years old.

Hello Blogworld

2005-10-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

This is Tracy. I am a wife and mother. I have been through a lot in my life and I hope this blog and some of my thoughts and experiences will help someone else as they read it.