That was the month and year that God sent me an angel-though I didn't know it at the time.
Considering I was divorced and had been through hell already, I had gotten myself involved with someone and at that time had been with him 3 years. The relationship had taken its toll on me. It had started showing signs of physical abuse because he had pushed me on 3 different occansions when we got into arguements. Brian was also very immature. It was like having another child around. He needed a mother-not a girlfriend or wife. By Dec of 03 I was so stressed over this relationship. I met some people through my son because he was friends with their child. I started attending some church activities with them and such and thats where I met him-my angel-my future-even though I didn't know it at the time. He was about to go through a divorce, and from my understanding he wasn't to crazy about the idea of the dating sence. According to one of my friends, he took an interest in me. Brian, my boyfriend at the time, was an extremely jealous person and was giving me a hard time about spending time with my friends even if it was doing church related things and having his kids with me-he didn't seem to like it. My friends bascially helped me realize that I didn't need that in my life again. Ya know, it's not like I didn't know it-I just dont' like hurting people.
Jan. 6 of 04-I finally asked him to leave. He pitched a fit-it really didn't surprise me. It scared me though because he had a really bad temper too. He couldn't understand why. Guys usually dont'. I told him that the first time he put his hands on me that was when my feelings for him started changing-he still didn't get it. I guess for some people it needs to be spelled out or something. So he left. He bothered me awhile with phone calls until "My Angel" finally had a word of prayer with him. My angel is now my current husband. His name is Todd.
I can get lost in the memories of thinking about when I met Todd and how it all came about. I really wasn't looking for another relationship after I had Brian leave. It just wasn't worth it anymore. Todd just kinda swept me off my feet-thats the only way to really explain it. It all happened so fast. I have never been treated so kindly, so good in all my life by a man. He says the sweetest things. He's done the sweetest things for me. I'm not use to it. I don't feel that I deserve to be treated so good. But that is just who he is. I know that he loves me very much. Todd, don't ever change. Your the best of the best. I love you-My Angel.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Fast Forward
My life seems to stay so busy that I don't have much time it seems to write as much as I'd like too.
Back to where I left off, I'm going to shorten things up some because going so far back and remembering takes too much of a toll on me at times. But I am always willing to share my experiences. I think that it actually helps to talk about it sometimes.
I ended up getting married in December of 89 because I was pregnant at 16 years old. Yes, the signs of abuse were there beforehand, but I guess being that young and naive I thought he would change and that he really did love me. It had to have been something like that cause I'm really not that stupid. I ended up having a miscarriage after we were married. To this day I believe that it was because of a comment he made to me one night when he was being ugly to me. He said, "You don't deserve to be a mother. I hope your baby dies". Well, he did. The tongue is mighty powerful, isn't it? Shortly after the miscarriage I became pregnant again. I ended up having to drop out of high school my senior year because my mother-in-law went back on her word about watching the baby after he was born so I could finish school. I did go back to adult ed and get my GED. I had my first child at 17 years old-year in 1990, my 2nd child at 19 yrs in 1992. I had my 3rd child at 23 yrs in 1996, and finally my 4th child at 25 yrs. in 1998.
I basically raised my children by myself. I am the one who did every thing for them-from getting up every few hours to feed and change them, to taking them all to doctor appointments, and staying up all night because someone was sick. My husband never really did a lot as a father. I do give him a lot of credit when I say this: Regardless of how he treated me and what he did, he always got up the next morning and went to work. Over the course of the 11 yrs. we were married, I was abused physically, verbally and emotionally. He drank a lot-mostly beer-and smoked pot occasionally.
I was called every name in the book on a daily basis. During the last 4 or 5 years we were married I started to take up for myself more-didn't do a lot of good but at least I tried. I was always accused of being unfaithful. Well come to find out some things went down on Mother's Day of 98-I had a 6 week old baby then-found out that he was the one who had been unfaithful-he admitted it to me. I flipped out. How could he have done that to me? I actually had always suspected-but to actually know the truth now was unbearable. I went downhill fast at that point. I quit caring in away. I started working out, loosing weight to make myself feel better. I continued to do my wifely duties because I was suppose too-but I felt nothing anymore. I had completely become numb to feeling anything for him. It came to a point to where he was threatening my life just about everyday and when I left on Monday, Jan. 3rd of 2000, I had come to the point to where I made a decision: I didn't care anymore whether I lived or died. My kids and I left that day and never returned except to get our things when the judge said it was all right. I was scared and really didn't know what I was going to. I was afraid of the world-of people. My husband at the time was so convincing that he could tell me that hell was freezing over and he would eventually make me believe that it was. While we were married, he even had me believing that my own family wouldn't want to be bothered with me much less any man because I had 4 children. I was very insecure about who I was. I actually didn't know who I was anymore. I was numb-I really didn't feel anything for awhile, just kinda went with the motion of everything. I cried a lot because I didn't understand. I felt helpless-truly like a victim and I didn't like that. I hurt for my children who had to go through so much because I thought it was my fault. Why couldn't I have changed things? He changed me. I was divorced in April of 2000.
After being divorced 6 yrs. from him now, I realize that back then, it took me having to know in my heart that I had no feelings left for him and that whether or not I was with him, I could still end up dead. It bothers me to this day to think of the things I had to contend with because of him. I was a good wife and mother, even though I was so young. I did everything that a wife was supposed to have done for her husband and then some. I didn't deserve to be so mistreated. I don't think I'll ever understand why he did what he did to me. It emotionally scarred my oldest two children because they saw and heard a lot more than the other two. I went through hell but I also realize it could have been a lot worse. I've moved on now and finally so has he.
Back to where I left off, I'm going to shorten things up some because going so far back and remembering takes too much of a toll on me at times. But I am always willing to share my experiences. I think that it actually helps to talk about it sometimes.
I ended up getting married in December of 89 because I was pregnant at 16 years old. Yes, the signs of abuse were there beforehand, but I guess being that young and naive I thought he would change and that he really did love me. It had to have been something like that cause I'm really not that stupid. I ended up having a miscarriage after we were married. To this day I believe that it was because of a comment he made to me one night when he was being ugly to me. He said, "You don't deserve to be a mother. I hope your baby dies". Well, he did. The tongue is mighty powerful, isn't it? Shortly after the miscarriage I became pregnant again. I ended up having to drop out of high school my senior year because my mother-in-law went back on her word about watching the baby after he was born so I could finish school. I did go back to adult ed and get my GED. I had my first child at 17 years old-year in 1990, my 2nd child at 19 yrs in 1992. I had my 3rd child at 23 yrs in 1996, and finally my 4th child at 25 yrs. in 1998.
I basically raised my children by myself. I am the one who did every thing for them-from getting up every few hours to feed and change them, to taking them all to doctor appointments, and staying up all night because someone was sick. My husband never really did a lot as a father. I do give him a lot of credit when I say this: Regardless of how he treated me and what he did, he always got up the next morning and went to work. Over the course of the 11 yrs. we were married, I was abused physically, verbally and emotionally. He drank a lot-mostly beer-and smoked pot occasionally.
I was called every name in the book on a daily basis. During the last 4 or 5 years we were married I started to take up for myself more-didn't do a lot of good but at least I tried. I was always accused of being unfaithful. Well come to find out some things went down on Mother's Day of 98-I had a 6 week old baby then-found out that he was the one who had been unfaithful-he admitted it to me. I flipped out. How could he have done that to me? I actually had always suspected-but to actually know the truth now was unbearable. I went downhill fast at that point. I quit caring in away. I started working out, loosing weight to make myself feel better. I continued to do my wifely duties because I was suppose too-but I felt nothing anymore. I had completely become numb to feeling anything for him. It came to a point to where he was threatening my life just about everyday and when I left on Monday, Jan. 3rd of 2000, I had come to the point to where I made a decision: I didn't care anymore whether I lived or died. My kids and I left that day and never returned except to get our things when the judge said it was all right. I was scared and really didn't know what I was going to. I was afraid of the world-of people. My husband at the time was so convincing that he could tell me that hell was freezing over and he would eventually make me believe that it was. While we were married, he even had me believing that my own family wouldn't want to be bothered with me much less any man because I had 4 children. I was very insecure about who I was. I actually didn't know who I was anymore. I was numb-I really didn't feel anything for awhile, just kinda went with the motion of everything. I cried a lot because I didn't understand. I felt helpless-truly like a victim and I didn't like that. I hurt for my children who had to go through so much because I thought it was my fault. Why couldn't I have changed things? He changed me. I was divorced in April of 2000.
After being divorced 6 yrs. from him now, I realize that back then, it took me having to know in my heart that I had no feelings left for him and that whether or not I was with him, I could still end up dead. It bothers me to this day to think of the things I had to contend with because of him. I was a good wife and mother, even though I was so young. I did everything that a wife was supposed to have done for her husband and then some. I didn't deserve to be so mistreated. I don't think I'll ever understand why he did what he did to me. It emotionally scarred my oldest two children because they saw and heard a lot more than the other two. I went through hell but I also realize it could have been a lot worse. I've moved on now and finally so has he.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Back To The Past, Part 2
I left off talking about the vibrant 15 year old I was. I was really out-going and spent a lot of time with friends. I wasn't bad and never got into serious trouble. I had spent summer of 1989 in Florida visiting with relatives. While I was gone, mama and my step-father had kinda gone their separate ways, so mama was able to get us a 4 bedroom apartment in Lexington. When I came back from Florida she had fixed me up a very nice room. I socialized a little with some of the people there in the complex. Met a couple of girls about my age. Started hanging out with a girl in her middle 2o's because she had 2 children and I helped her out with the kids. Long story short, that is where I met him, October of 1989, about 6 mths. shy of my 16th birthday. He was a very good-looking 19yr. old. Tall, dark skin (he tanned very well), bright blue eyes and dark hair and he took an interest in me. I fell for him because I couldn't believe someone so cute would like me. The only thing that really bothered me was that he seemed to drink a lot plus he did drugs. At first I only thought it was marijuana that he smoked. I walked in on him and his cousins huffing gas before. Later I found out that he smoked crack and did acid-heck I even walked in on him again one time snorting cocaine. I felt sick to my stomach when I saw that. But being young and so naive I reckon I continued on with the relationship because I loved him. I don't know what kept me there when I think about it now as an adult. And just to let you know, I too, have tried marijuana before, did nothing for me but make me paranoid. That is the only drug that I have ever messed with.
I found out in November of 89 that I was pregnant. Throughout the little time we were together before we married in December of 1989 because I was pregnant, there were signs of abuse. Not only was he using drugs, but he was becoming verbally and physically abusive and started to scare me some. He had told me that he had people watching me at school. I became scared of talking to anyone especially boys at school. I was getting paranoid, but I loved him because he loved me. One night his sister was having a party and he was drinking and such and he thought I was flirting with his cousin who was my age. When the party started to die down, we were in a room by ourselves and he running his mouth about things I supposedly said or did. I was trying to justify anything that might have said that would have upset him-well it ended with him trying to choke me. He was shaking me back and forth. My long hair was going in my mouth and I was choking on that as well. I was scared and crying so hard. When he realized what he was doing he stopped and started hugging me and crying, apologizing himself for what he had done-he said he loved me very much and he'd never do it again. My wrists were a little bruised in the morning after that incident due to him being on top of me holding me down.
I found out in November of 89 that I was pregnant. Throughout the little time we were together before we married in December of 1989 because I was pregnant, there were signs of abuse. Not only was he using drugs, but he was becoming verbally and physically abusive and started to scare me some. He had told me that he had people watching me at school. I became scared of talking to anyone especially boys at school. I was getting paranoid, but I loved him because he loved me. One night his sister was having a party and he was drinking and such and he thought I was flirting with his cousin who was my age. When the party started to die down, we were in a room by ourselves and he running his mouth about things I supposedly said or did. I was trying to justify anything that might have said that would have upset him-well it ended with him trying to choke me. He was shaking me back and forth. My long hair was going in my mouth and I was choking on that as well. I was scared and crying so hard. When he realized what he was doing he stopped and started hugging me and crying, apologizing himself for what he had done-he said he loved me very much and he'd never do it again. My wrists were a little bruised in the morning after that incident due to him being on top of me holding me down.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Back To The Past
I'm going to make this as short as I can but long enough so you know where I'm coming from.
To start off with, I was raised basically by my mama and grandmother. My parents divorced when I was 4 or 5 years old. We lived in Ohio at the time. When they divorced we moved to SC to live with my grandmother. My Dad was never around enough nor did he contribute much, if any, to help in our upbringing. He was one who made promises, but never kept them. My mama was good enough though to let him come in and out of our lives as he wanted too. Considering all the circumstances, I think my mama did a decent job raising her 3 children. I have a brother 1 year older than me and a brother 3 years younger. I love them all very much.
Living with my grandmother was ok. She did help take care of us. She loved the little one more, in my opinion, because he was only 2 when we moved here so she was with him more. She thought we were demons most of the time. Unruly children. Aren't we all at times when we're little?
Mama remarried when I was 10, and we moved to Batesburg-Leesville. That is where I also met my best friend. I think at the time I liked myself for the most part. I was and always have been very pretty, just overweight. So because of this, I have always been insecure. I felt no boys would ever like me because I was overweight. And when your growing up-unfortuantely you really do want to be liked by boys or girls and you want to fit in and be popular. I wasn't popular, but that really didn't bother me. I was who I was and my attitude in my early teens was "you can like me or not-I don't care." I think that I was pretty confident in myself despite my feelings about my weight. I was the "Leader of the Pack" at school. It was me and a group of girls and we would walk and talk around the schoolyard. They pretty much followed me. My self-esteem was pretty decent. Remember though, that because I was a little overweight, I was already self-consicious about myself. I really never thought that I would have a boyfriend because I was overweight. Confident, sensitive,caring,relaxed, free spirit, warm, kind, giving, loving and Ms. Attitude when I needed to be was who I was up until 15 years old.
To start off with, I was raised basically by my mama and grandmother. My parents divorced when I was 4 or 5 years old. We lived in Ohio at the time. When they divorced we moved to SC to live with my grandmother. My Dad was never around enough nor did he contribute much, if any, to help in our upbringing. He was one who made promises, but never kept them. My mama was good enough though to let him come in and out of our lives as he wanted too. Considering all the circumstances, I think my mama did a decent job raising her 3 children. I have a brother 1 year older than me and a brother 3 years younger. I love them all very much.
Living with my grandmother was ok. She did help take care of us. She loved the little one more, in my opinion, because he was only 2 when we moved here so she was with him more. She thought we were demons most of the time. Unruly children. Aren't we all at times when we're little?
Mama remarried when I was 10, and we moved to Batesburg-Leesville. That is where I also met my best friend. I think at the time I liked myself for the most part. I was and always have been very pretty, just overweight. So because of this, I have always been insecure. I felt no boys would ever like me because I was overweight. And when your growing up-unfortuantely you really do want to be liked by boys or girls and you want to fit in and be popular. I wasn't popular, but that really didn't bother me. I was who I was and my attitude in my early teens was "you can like me or not-I don't care." I think that I was pretty confident in myself despite my feelings about my weight. I was the "Leader of the Pack" at school. It was me and a group of girls and we would walk and talk around the schoolyard. They pretty much followed me. My self-esteem was pretty decent. Remember though, that because I was a little overweight, I was already self-consicious about myself. I really never thought that I would have a boyfriend because I was overweight. Confident, sensitive,caring,relaxed, free spirit, warm, kind, giving, loving and Ms. Attitude when I needed to be was who I was up until 15 years old.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Hello Blogworld
This is Tracy. I am a wife and mother. I have been through a lot in my life and I hope this blog and some of my thoughts and experiences will help someone else as they read it.
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