Fast Forward

My life seems to stay so busy that I don't have much time it seems to write as much as I'd like too.

Back to where I left off, I'm going to shorten things up some because going so far back and remembering takes too much of a toll on me at times. But I am always willing to share my experiences. I think that it actually helps to talk about it sometimes.

I ended up getting married in December of 89 because I was pregnant at 16 years old. Yes, the signs of abuse were there beforehand, but I guess being that young and naive I thought he would change and that he really did love me. It had to have been something like that cause I'm really not that stupid. I ended up having a miscarriage after we were married. To this day I believe that it was because of a comment he made to me one night when he was being ugly to me. He said, "You don't deserve to be a mother. I hope your baby dies". Well, he did. The tongue is mighty powerful, isn't it? Shortly after the miscarriage I became pregnant again. I ended up having to drop out of high school my senior year because my mother-in-law went back on her word about watching the baby after he was born so I could finish school. I did go back to adult ed and get my GED. I had my first child at 17 years old-year in 1990, my 2nd child at 19 yrs in 1992. I had my 3rd child at 23 yrs in 1996, and finally my 4th child at 25 yrs. in 1998.

I basically raised my children by myself. I am the one who did every thing for them-from getting up every few hours to feed and change them, to taking them all to doctor appointments, and staying up all night because someone was sick. My husband never really did a lot as a father. I do give him a lot of credit when I say this: Regardless of how he treated me and what he did, he always got up the next morning and went to work. Over the course of the 11 yrs. we were married, I was abused physically, verbally and emotionally. He drank a lot-mostly beer-and smoked pot occasionally.

I was called every name in the book on a daily basis. During the last 4 or 5 years we were married I started to take up for myself more-didn't do a lot of good but at least I tried. I was always accused of being unfaithful. Well come to find out some things went down on Mother's Day of 98-I had a 6 week old baby then-found out that he was the one who had been unfaithful-he admitted it to me. I flipped out. How could he have done that to me? I actually had always suspected-but to actually know the truth now was unbearable. I went downhill fast at that point. I quit caring in away. I started working out, loosing weight to make myself feel better. I continued to do my wifely duties because I was suppose too-but I felt nothing anymore. I had completely become numb to feeling anything for him. It came to a point to where he was threatening my life just about everyday and when I left on Monday, Jan. 3rd of 2000, I had come to the point to where I made a decision: I didn't care anymore whether I lived or died. My kids and I left that day and never returned except to get our things when the judge said it was all right. I was scared and really didn't know what I was going to. I was afraid of the world-of people. My husband at the time was so convincing that he could tell me that hell was freezing over and he would eventually make me believe that it was. While we were married, he even had me believing that my own family wouldn't want to be bothered with me much less any man because I had 4 children. I was very insecure about who I was. I actually didn't know who I was anymore. I was numb-I really didn't feel anything for awhile, just kinda went with the motion of everything. I cried a lot because I didn't understand. I felt helpless-truly like a victim and I didn't like that. I hurt for my children who had to go through so much because I thought it was my fault. Why couldn't I have changed things? He changed me. I was divorced in April of 2000.

After being divorced 6 yrs. from him now, I realize that back then, it took me having to know in my heart that I had no feelings left for him and that whether or not I was with him, I could still end up dead. It bothers me to this day to think of the things I had to contend with because of him. I was a good wife and mother, even though I was so young. I did everything that a wife was supposed to have done for her husband and then some. I didn't deserve to be so mistreated. I don't think I'll ever understand why he did what he did to me. It emotionally scarred my oldest two children because they saw and heard a lot more than the other two. I went through hell but I also realize it could have been a lot worse. I've moved on now and finally so has he.